How to Put Yourself First Without Feeling Guilty: The Moment I Realised I Was Giving Everyone Everything and Keeping Nothing for Myself

What happens when you give everyone everything?

I'll be honest with you. I broke my 365-day podcast streak. I know, I know what you're all thinking, and the internal monologue has been real. I felt like I let you guys down. I overcommitted and I underdelivered. And that is exactly what this conversation is about, for any woman who feels like she has let someone down.

When I decided to do a podcast every single day, I did it because I love giving to you. I love that I get to inspire you, motivate you and encourage you to become the best version of yourself, and I cannot tell you how many messages I get from women who listen and truly take action. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

But I had a realisation the other day. I'm doing a f***ing lot at the moment. I was sitting there and I was like, holy f***ing sh*t. Not only am I shooting a podcast every single day, I'm building one of the biggest education databases in the back end of my app: hundreds of hours of modules on mindset, training, nutrition, glow up, everything. And I'm still doing everything I already do on the app, the daily videos and the weekly masterclass lives.

It just got too f***ing much. A podcast isn't only the recording. There is prep, there is editing, and I wasn't giving this channel the best I possibly could.

What was my burnt toast moment?

I sat down to shoot an episode with nothing prepared. I was exhausted from shooting all day, I'd gone through my backlog, and I thought, this is just going to be fluff.

And how I do one thing is how I do everything. That is my mantra, and it is what is making me grow and evolve so fast in everything I'm doing. If I half-arse this, I'm not only letting you down, I'm letting myself down. So I made the decision: something's gotta give. The podcast is dropping back to a more regular schedule, so you know the days and times it's coming out.

Honestly? I felt like sh*t. I felt the betrayal and the relief at the same time. But the moment I made that declaration, before anyone else even knew, my soul was like, thank God. You just need to chill the f*** out.

Why do women give so much and keep nothing for themselves?

As women, and particularly if you're a high-achieving woman trying to do a lot, you feel the pull of doing so many things at once. I need to be doing this. I need to be doing that. I need to be there for these people.

At some point you have to ask yourself: am I doing this to serve other people, and not actually serving myself? That is a really hard place to get to. I see it so much with mums, and with women who are working, or mums who are working, who give, give, give to everybody around them and then stand there with nothing left to pour back into themselves.

Energy is your greatest currency. Time is your greatest currency. So at what point do you make the hard call that is going to disappoint people, because what you think about yourself, and how you carry yourself through your days, matters more?

Is it selfish to put yourself first?

Sometimes you do actually need to be selfish in life. Sometimes you need to be the person who protects her boundaries, because that is what means you can give back to other people.

My podcast is the easiest example. If I don't pour into myself, if I don't give myself time and rest and energy and creative flow time, I can never give back to you at full capacity. You cannot pour from an empty cup. You cannot be the highest, hottest, most incredible version of yourself if you keep giving bite-sized pieces of you to everybody else.

How do I work out where my energy is going?

Mine is a bit of a unique circumstance, but what I was going through applies to so many of you. So I want you to think about your week, your life as it stands right now, and all the energy you are dispersing day to day.

It might be energy you give your children, your spouse, your loved ones, your friends, dependent family members, people at work, your barista. Sit down and really think about how much energy you are giving out.

Then think about how much energy you are pouring back into you. Does it match? Is it a lot less, or about on par?

Write it down. Jot down everything you give to other people right now, then write the list of what you do for you. Pouring back into you looks like:

• When are you having time alone, actual you time?
• When are you having your everything shower?
• When are you getting to your workouts?
• When are you doing your meal prep?
• When are you reading your book, or going to bed early and having your unwind time?

Map it out.

What do I do if the list is all giving?

If you look at that list and it is enormously give, give, giving to other people and not pouring into yourself, this is when something needs to change. This is when you decide what boundary you need to protect so you can pour back into yourself.

It's going to be hard, and you're going to piss people off. In my case, I know it disappoints people who listened every single day. But I also know the most important person in the world is me, and selfishly, I've got to put myself first.

So look at your list and ask: what can I do to protect my boundaries and my peace right now? What do I need to communicate to other people? What boundary do I actually need to set?

This is one of the hardest things women can do, truly. Women hate letting other people down. They hate not being the one who is always there, always supportive. That's the harsh reality. But it has to happen for you to grow and evolve.

The woman in your mind, the vision of your highest version of self? I'm telling you right now, that woman has boundaries. She has standards, and she is not afraid to protect them.

I wasn't afraid of declaring that I was tapping out. I was more disappointed in myself, because if I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. But realistically, it was a goal setting me up for failure, a goal that stopped me showing up at my best. So let go of the fear of letting people down, and start thinking about what it would mean to you to have that time back to pour into you.

Why does pouring into yourself help everyone around you?

Here's what people forget. When you pour back into you, you pour back into everybody around you. They get a higher version of you. They get the better version of you.

How do I get over mum guilt?

When I speak to mums, I tell them this. You've got this mum guilt. You feel like a bad mum for protecting your boundaries, for going to do your workout, for eating something different from what the kids are eating.

But your kids benefit tenfold from you giving a f*** about what you put into your body, from you taking the time to train so you don't feel miserable and unconfident in your body, from you pouring into yourself so you feel like your highest, hottest version of self. When mum feels good, everyone feels good. Let's not diminish that for a second. If mum doesn't feel good in her body, it is everyone's problem.

Your children are sponges. They watch and observe everything you do, whether you like it or not (those curse words are being sucked in very quickly). They are learning what a woman with high standards looks like. You are giving them the blueprint for their own life.

If you are the woman who always gives to other people, who has never had the body she wanted, who has a terrible relationship with training, nutrition and making goals a reality, do you want your children to follow that same pathway? Or do you want them to forge a different one, where they understand what success looks like and what it takes to make goals a reality? Most of you will say: I want my child to never have to go through that sh*t.

I was talking to a client the other day about growing up with my mum going to Weight Watchers. I'd sit in those big hall-type rooms while everyone weighed in, with points and systems, never eat oils, fats were the devil. That was my diet culture. That is how we were brought up, and I'm not diminishing my mum at all, that was the day and age. But what do you want your children to learn about nutrition? That, or a healthy understanding?

So understand that you protecting your boundaries, and doing the things you'd want your kids to do, is actually really selfless. It's not selfish. It is focused on those children becoming really great humans.

What if putting myself first upsets people?

Partners, spouses, friends... yeah, it's going to f***ing piss some people off. When a woman puts herself first, it is going to piss people off. And that's okay. The true ones, the real ones, will hang around.

It's okay to protect your boundaries. It's okay to say: that doesn't serve me in this chapter, in this season. Maybe one day, with a bigger team and more people helping me, absolutely. I'm super blessed to have grown my team to where it is already. But right now, Mama Henny is a little stretched. Never say never, we'll get to that streak one day, but this is not the season.

So it is a beautiful day to go and say some no's to protect your boundaries. Write that list out and figure out where you're sitting with your energy. Be kind to other people, be even kinder to yourself, and remember: pouring into you is never a bad thing.